


No Acceptance

by elizainlove



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-04
Updated: 2014-10-04
Packaged: 2018-02-19 20:34:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2402024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elizainlove/pseuds/elizainlove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anna finds Thomas out in the cold, smoking. She brings him his coat and they talk about Jimmy and Thomas' plans. <br/>“Don’t look so bowled over, some of us still care whether you get pneumonia or not” She spoke light heartedly but it worried her that Thomas was so taken aback by someone wanting to help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Acceptance

**Author's Note:**

> Anna cares, she really does.

When Anna came out into the yard she saw him. She had thought he would be out here, cigarette in hand and a layer of sly knowing covering up his actual emotions.   
It was true he was there and with cigarette pressed between his lips, but there was no concealing persona, no fake self-assurance- Thomas only looked cold and lonely.  
As Anna approached, he didn’t look up, only blew out a mouth full of smoke that hung ghost like in the dark night around him- he must no longer care who it was accompanying him outside as it could not be jimmy. Anna sighed and draped Thomas’ coat over his livery clad shoulders, at this the man did look up, surprise etched into his tired face “Don’t look so bowled over, some of us still care whether you get pneumonia or not” She spoke light heartedly but it worried her that Thomas was so taken aback by someone wanting to help.  
Thomas gave small humourless laugh that carried none of his usual derision  
Anna sat down on the bit of bench available next to the man and put her arm gently round his shoulder- not unlike the time she had when comforting him over Lady Sybil’s death “You miss him very much don’t you” she did not pose this as a question, they both already knew it was true   
Thomas opened him mouth as if to answer, but then closed it again, dipping his head to watch his falling cigarettes progress before he crushed it into the ground with his foot. He nodded, his face creasing into lines of misery “I automatically get out two cigarettes. Every. Single. Time.” The breath he let out to try and steady his voice was shaky and telling. Thomas was trying not to cry.  
Anna didn’t know what to say, she could only half relate. Her experience of being away from Mr Bates was different, he had been in jail and facing the death penalty, true- but at the same time she was getting help and support from everyone at Downton, everyone knew about them, and she had an end goal of Mr Bates’ release followed by marriage to look forwards too. Thomas had none of this. Jimmy had been taken away from him without much warning, he had no support, he wasn’t allowed to talk about how he felt for fear of being sent to jail, and there never could be an end result of a happily ever after in the form of marriage for the two of them. Anna couldn’t even begin to imagine how bleak everything looked and no one else at Downton even seemed to care- no that wasn’t true, she was sure that Mrs Hughes, Mrs Patmore and to some extent Mr Carson cared, but not a single one of them had yet let Thomas know this.  
“Oh Thomas…” She was surprised to find her own vice unsteady when she spoke- Thomas only kept facing the cobbled floor, eyes closed.  
“I’m going to go to London” He said eventually   
“What for?” He couldn’t be thinking he could find Jimmy could he? Because that would be madness.   
There was another long pause and Anna filled it by laying her head of Thomas’ shoulder and a comforting hand on his wrist. Thomas took and breathe and rested his own head and hand lightly atop hers.   
“I’m tired of being lonely. I want companionship”  
Anna thought for a minute “I suppose a man the same as you would be easier to find in a big city?”   
“That’s not what I want” Thomas squeezed her hand briefly “I have just lost the- all be it unrequited- love of my life and I cannot imagine ever loving someone as much for as long as I live”  
“I understand that, if I lost Mr Bates, I don’t know what I’d do”  
Thomas smiled bitterly “Mourn. But you would get support, time off work and lax rules for a time. I don’t get any of that” He took a breath “I don’t want to be lonely anymore, it hurts. I want to be able to have what I have always dreamed of- a stable home and a family. To not always have to be looking over my shoulder… I’m going to London for treatment.”  
Anna sat up suddenly, looking at him in sure horror “Thomas, you can’t!”   
“Can’t I?” Anna could see his mind was set his tone was challenging “You try being like me. Even if Jimmy had returned my feelings we could never have properly been together. We could have no marriage, no cosy little cottage, no acceptance. Anna, I wouldn’t have even been able to tell anyone. Wouldn’t have been able to hold his hand in public” Instead of getting louder Thomas’ voice had been getting quieter the more he spoke, he sounded broken and desperate “Its utterly soul destroying and I simply cannot do it anymore.”  
She looked at him for a full minutes- her tears matching the ones that slid silently down his face. She was going to say okay, going to say that she would help him in any way she could, but she couldn’t. The words wouldn’t come. She hugged him. Her arms around his neck and face in his shoulder “Don’t lose yourself, Thomas”  
Thomas’ arms, reluctant until she had said his name came up around her back and held her tight.   
“Mr Barrow?” Carson’s voice came from around the corner and they drew apart instantly   
“Yes, Mr Carson” Thomas got up, wiped his face with his gloved hand and walked away towards the shadow of Mr Carson being created by the light streaming from the servants hall.

**Author's Note:**

> I know I never write anything that is sad the whole way through, but I liked the idea that Thomas would tell someone before he goes to London- and that someones showed him they cared.


End file.
